The Worst Of NFL Grooming (And How To Do Better)

It's about that time, people! The NFL season is upon us. Jay-Z is clearly ready (let's not go there,) Bill Belichick is in midseason form, and one of our favorites has stepped away for good...but more on that later.

Let's be honest, NFL players have a bit more leeway on the grooming front thanks to their helmets. But that won't stop us from critiquing them and offering some humble advice on how to do better.

Let's get into it...

Andrew Luck's Beard

Andrew Luck

Let's just get the painful part out of the way early. This weekend we unexpectedly said goodbye to a great QB and an awesome dude named Andrew Luck. His retirement is a huge bummer and he'll, no doubt, be missed. BUT, I already had his name written down for this blog, so we'll keep him in as a farewell.

So, the issue here is 85% of this beard is under the jawline, some would call it a neck beard, but whatever you call it, it's not good. There could be a family of very cute mice living up under that chin! We would never know!

Suggested Grooming Solution: Tom Brady's Trimmed Beard - Just less of everything. Brady's beard is a BIT more filled in on the cheeks, but this look would absolutely be an upgrade for Luck.

Tom Brady

Antonio Brown's Blonde Mustache

Antonio Brown

Here's another dude who has been in the news a lot these days. This got plenty of coverage at the time, but it still deserves a lil victory lap. In the past, we've wondered if AB might be a little...off. Well, thanks to Hard Knocks, now we're sure. Honestly, this blonde mustache move should have tipped us off. Like, JUST DYE THE WHOLE BEARD BLONDE OR NONE OF IT! WHY JUST THE MUSTACHE!? *takes a deep breath*

Suggested Grooming Solution: Normal Facial Hair AB - Look how swaggy dis dude looks!

Aaron Rodgers' Mustache

Aaron Rodgers

For sake of discussion (and our own sanity,) let's ignore the Canadian tuxedo for the Canadian preseason game and just focus on this 'stache. Rodgers has sported a number of facial hair styles over the years including a handlebar, a standard, full beard, and this...abomination.

This most recent look isn't actually that bad as an ironic look, but generally you don't want to keep these ironic looks to a three or four day maximum. (There's a fun, little rule we just made up on the spot! Abide by it!)

Suggested Grooming Solution: Regular Season Aaron Rogers - When Rodgers is done being ironic and insisting that he's clever, the straightforward beard will be just fine.

Aaron Rodgers Beard

 Robby Anderson's Hair

Robby Anderson

So...this look is doing a lot. I'm honestly curious how that works with a helmet, but nonetheless, it's not great. Robby is looking a little bit like Lisa Simpson and a lotta bit like that super goth kid from high school who used a bucket of gel to spike his hair all crazy. (Was that just my school?)

Suggested Grooming Solution: Jalen Ramsey's Twists - Still fun, still not basic, but...a bit more under control.

Jalen Ramsey

Clay Matthews' Hair

Clay MatthewsFirst of all, we know he's on the Rams now, so you can delete that tweet you just started writing. Also, we know this is part of Clay's brand and has undoubtedly made him a buttload of money in endorsement deals, HOWEVER, that does not make it good. Clay's flow, especially when wet and stringy, is perfect for the cover of a romance novel, but in any other context, it's just doing too much. (Now, do us a favor, and try to picture what he looks like with short hair. It's like Harden without his beard or Melo on an NBA roster...something's just off.)

Suggested Grooming Solution: Christian McCaffrey - Screw it! Let's chop it all off, donate it, and maybe look a little younger while we're at it.

Christian McCaffrey


Haven't read our NBA Grooming blog yet? READ IT NOW!

And, if your grooming game leaves a little to be desired, cut off you're two foot long mane (looking at you, Clay,) and order a bottle of GUY FOX to make sure you smell as good as you look!